The Sex Talk and the Failing of the Church

Warning: This post is not rated G. It’s PG…or maybe PG-13. Just read it to yourself before reading it out loud.

Yet Another Warning: This post is also a bit of a rant. If you’re easily offended by someone saying “the church” is doing it wrong, or putting blame on religion or those that propagate it’s falsities, then do us both a favor and stop reading here. Comments will be moderated to make sure things stay clean and civil.

As I was driving Xavier to school today, we had one of those “sex talks” that most parents dread. Our church is just finishing a series called “The Best Sex Ever” and he saw the handout in the back seat of the car. He picked it up and read “The Best I’m not going to say that Ever”. I assumed it was an embarrassing thing for him to talk about, so as any good dad would do…I corrected him and said “The Best SEX Ever”. He said “it just feels like it’s a bad word that I shouldn’t say”. What?! Sex is amazing. As far as I’m concerned, that’s just a fact. It’s wonderful, it’s fun, it’s useful, it’s fun, it brings couples together…and it’s fun!

I immediately corrected him, explained to him that sex isn’t a bad word and that it isn’t “dirty” or “bad”. Instead it’s actually an amazing thing that he’s going to enjoy some day. Our conversation continued the rest of the way to school. I had to correct some misunderstandings that were caused by other boys sharing about things they didn’t understand. I wanted to make sure he understood that I’d always be there to answer questions about sex, which lead me to share with him a story about when I was in third grade.

There was another boy, a good friend of mine, that hung out with some older boys pretty regularly. We all knew what erections were (yes, this was third grade and yes, third grade boys know about erections…even 21 years ago), but he’d heard it referred to as a “boner”. He’d been curious, so he had asked why it was called that. I assume it probably seemed funny to the older boys when they explained to him that there was a bone that slid up when you got excited and that’s what caused the erection. Needless to say, this third grade friend of mine was excited to share what he’d learned. Remember, we’re only 8 years old with an extremely rudimentary understanding of anatomy, and he really believed what he was saying. I wasn’t as convinced. I went home and blindsided my dad with this newly acquired theory, and my dad put the issue to rest. There’s no bone. You can’t break it if you fall while you have an erection (although I don’t doubt it would hurt), etc. He took the time to answer all my questions.

I told Xavier that the information he hears at school could be accurate or could be just as wrong as what I had heard in third grade, but I promised that I’d always answer any questions he had. And I’d be happy to clarify/verify whatever he was hearing. He seemed to be happy with that, and he did ask a couple minor questions, but then we arrived at school. Still, the lines of communication are open.

The whole way home though, I thought about his comment about sex being a bad word. The more I thought about it, the more frustrated I became. Now I accept a lot of the blame myself. I admit that there have been times when I’ve avoided the topic just because it’s awkward. That stops now. However, I don’t think all the blame lies on me. A kid doesn’t get the impression that a word is “bad” just because mom and dad don’t use it. As a test, I asked Xavier his impression on a couple words I’m pretty sure I’ve never (or VERY rarely) used around him. Penultimate. Irascible. Doppelgänger. Not a single one did he think was a bad word that shouldn’t be said.

Unfortunately, he goes to a Christian school, a Christian church, and has plenty of Christian friends he hangs around. And in my experience, Christians have a warped (and not-Biblical) view of sex. And they push it on everyone they can. Having an opinion is fine…I have them too. Pushing that opinion on others is a completely different, and far worse, thing. However, worse still, by orders of magnitude, is pushing those opinions on people under the guise of teaching the Bible!

A while back I hit a time in my life where I decided I needed to codify my beliefs. Too many things that I’d taken as Biblical fact were neither Biblical nor fact. There were too many inconsistencies, inaccuracies, etc. So I decided that I believe there is a God and that I think the Bible is accurate (although at times translation leaves a lot to be desired). I threw out everything else. Since then I’ve been working through many areas of life and deciding what I believe based on the things I know, rather than the things I was told. You’d be amazed how different you view the world when you do this. Sex is one of the many subjects I’ve tackled.

I’ll leave out many of the more controversial topics that I’m still working through and stick to the things that are clear, and yet often mistaught. First and foremost; sex is NOT dirty. Greg Rohlinger did a pretty good job (far better than I’ve seen in other churches, so bravo Greg) explaining this. Consider watching the series.

Second, sex does NOT have to be limited to the missionary position.

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.Song of Solomon 2:3

Yep, that’s the Bible talking about oral sex!

Awake, O north wind; and come, thou south; blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.Song of Solomon 4:3

Biblical description of oral sex, this time for her pleasure!

So how do people teach against these things? They simply bend “sexual immorality” to mean anything they want. Before you take someone’s word for it, check it out yourself. Research and try to figure out for yourself what that refers to, and by extension what’s right and wrong sexually.

Read all of Song of Solomon and look for the eroticism in the poetry. It’s sensual, erotic, explicit, and beautiful. That’s what I want and that’s what I want Xavier to have some day. And I will NOT sit by and listen while people with closed minds regurgitate what they were taught without ever questioning it, and I won’t subjugate my son to it. Wake up, or get out of my way. I’m on a mission to figure out the TRUTH.